Hold On I Still Need You
by EldestSalvatore
Summary: He's torn between feeling joy and despair. Joy, because of the life has returned back into his life. Despair, because he's mourning the loss of his brother. It's overwhelming and what's even worse is this time there is no switch. He can't turn it off, he has to feel and he feels everything.


**Summary:** He's torn between feeling joy and despair. Joy, because of the life has returned back into his life. Despair, because he's mourning the loss of his brother. It's overwhelming and what's even worse is this time there is no switch. He can't turn it off, he has to feel and he feels everything.

 **Authors Note:** Not entirely sure how I want to do this yet. It might end up being snapshots of Damon and how he's dealing with the loss of his brother, getting his girl back and being human again.I'll even be nice and accept requests if you wish.

* * *

Happily ever after is a myth. At least for those who aren't part of a fairy-tale. However, there are parts that are similar to the story-books but they are for more complicated. For instance, true love's kiss doesn't wake the Sleeping Princess. Instead, the good witch does. The running and falling into each other's embrace is true, though. If he thinks about it he can still feel her crashing into his arms. He can still recall even with years passed how her body had fit perfectly to his. He had felt her heartbeat against his chest and cliche as it sounded he was pretty sure his heart, his human heart beat had matched hers. They had even shared a kiss but their kiss had been different. In the books when the Princess and Prince break the kiss they are surrounded by a crowd of people cheering them on, they retreat away from the palace and start their happily ever after.

For Damon, it was different. When their lips had finally drawn back they weren't at a palace. They were deep in the woods with the Salvatore crypt in front of them. Yes, they were surrounded by their loved ones but it wasn't to celebrate them coming together, it was to mourn someone else, his brother. The knight had gotten his Sleeping Beauty back but he had also lost his brother in the process as well.

It was the oddest thing for Damon to experience because he felt as if he was in a dream with Elena returning and yet also in a nightmare because his little brother was gone. When everyone had said their farewells he found himself grateful to have Elena at his side, to have her arm linked with his because he was sure had she not been there he wouldn't have found the strength to leave. He was certain that he would have sunk to the very ground yelled, pleaded, and let every wrecked sob slip past his lips begging for Stefan to come back.

Instead, he allowed his feet to carry him further and further away trying to ignore the feeling of guilt running through him that he's leaving his little brother behind.

* * *

She's staring. He can feel it and yet he doesn't dare glance over to see his suspicions confirmed. She's staring at him and he's staring at the glowing embers in the fireplace. Acting as if they are the most interesting thing he's ever seen. He can't look at her because if he looks at her he'll feel happiness. A happiness he shouldn't be feeling because though he gained something back, he lost something as well. No, today isn't a day of joy, it's one of despair and only despair.

Flicking his attention down he notes that his tumbler is still filled to the rim with bourbon. This is new, usually, it's half drunk or gone by now. It's his security blanket but it's not helping. Scowling at the amber liquid feeling a sense of betrayal because at the time he needs it most it's giving nothing in return. It's been about thirty minutes since they returned back 'home' the word once again not sitting right with him. Just like how it didn't feel like 'home' when saying goodbye to Elena. He's experiencing it all over again, only it's worse, much worse. He's human now, he's feeling everything and it's enough to cripple him.

She's still staring. She hasn't left her spot yet. She's standing in the doorway and her eyes haven't even strayed from him. He feels bad because this is what she wakes up to. He had suggested earlier she go off with Bonnie, Caroline, Matt or Alaric but she refused. _I'm right where I need to be_ she had reasoned with him.

"You know when I played my girl returns scenario the circumstances were far happier and less grim" finally deciding to speak up because he knows, Elena. He knows she'll stand there for hours without leaving his side. "For one Stefan was alive, we each had our girls…and we finally had happiness, the kind of happiness that is deserved after being through physical, emotional, mental and literal hell."

Steely blues remaining focused straight ahead on the roaring fire and not the warm brown eyes he knows he wants to melt into. "Today I said goodbye to my brother and hello again to the love of my life. Overwhelming isn't even the half of what this day has been. I want to celebrate in you being back Elena…..I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go...but" not finishing his sentence.

"But what?"

Elena's soft voice finally making itself known and it's enough for Damon to finally find the courage to look her way. "But each time that I do I'm hit with an overwhelming amount of guilt. I think of my arms being wrapped around you and I'm hit with the thought that Caroline won't experience that anymore. All I want to do right now is make up for lost time. I want to bury myself deep inside of you and get lost in the feeling of being whole again, of finally being able to come home because I haven't felt that since the day I lost you."

The grip on his glass increasing, blue locked on the perfect shade of brown "and now you're here" his voice breaking at the last bit. "I look at you and I feel joy because the love of my life is back. I look at you and I'm reminded of the promises we made and how we'll get the chance to make them happen. But my brother made promises to Caroline as well and now they'll go unfulfilled."

Teeth gritting together "and it's all because my brother deemed me worth saving. The hero's life was lost because he saved the anti-hero" his eyes boring into hers. Never once breaking eye contact with her as he says this next admission "the wrong brother lived."

It's not his voice that is heard next or even hers, it's the sound of glass shattering. Damon's hold on the glass too strong causing it to shatter. A hiss slipping past his lips as a shard pierces his flesh. Glancing down at his palm he's greeted to a nice cut right across the center. Blood already pooling out and he watches with fascination when it doesn't heal _the joys of being human_ he miserably thinks.

"You're bleeding"

She knows he's joined Team Human, Bonnie has filled her in but he's still letting it sink in. Giving a slight chuckle as he displays his hand "that I am."

"Stay there I'll be back"

Just like that she's retreating out of the room. Listening to her footsteps until they no longer are within reach. Looking back at the cut on his hand "I have nowhere else to go" he whispers to himself.

She wasn't lying, she's back and if he knew she wasn't human he would have suspected vampire. Deep down he knows her haste pace was in fear of leaving him alone. He had been reckless as a vampire and he was probably worse as a human.

"Here let me see"

"Elena it's not that bad" he protests but it goes ignored as she gently takes his hand in hers.

"It's still good to clean it so it doesn't get infected" she murmurs. Inspecting his hand, before taking the cloth into a bowl to get it wet.

Of course, of course, Elena would come prepared to want to tend to his wounds. Maybe she'd treat the physical ones but the emotional ones wouldn't be healing anytime soon. She works in silence, cleaning the cut, putting pressure on the cut and then applying something that causes him to flinch in pain but if she caught him doing it she doesn't say anything. Instead, she applies a bandage and even presses a kiss to his palm.

"Thank you" a shadow of a smile displaying for a moment "you've the healing touch, that doctor-y touch."

"Damon"

"Elena"

With a soft sigh passing her lips she reaches for his uninjured hand, navigating them away from the broken shards on the floor and leading them over to the couch. He'd be lying if he said he didn't relish in the closeness as she takes a seat beside him.

"I saw Stefan."

Brows furrowing in confusion at the statement "I...I don't understand."

"He came to me, Damon. He told me how you were planning to sacrifice everything how he was human and how you had compelled him to leave but he was on vervain."

"Vervain" he repeats _dammit Stefan I should have known. He used to be like Oprah you get vervain, you get vervain, of course, he had been ingesting it._ Inwardly cursing himself for being so stupid and not thinking clearly. "He made me believed I had compelled him…he made me believe he was safe."

"He told me he had given you the cure and without it he'd be dead soon because he'd start to dramatically age."

"Dammit, Stefan" he's about to get off the couch when he feels Elena grasp onto his uninjured hand silently asking for him to stay. "Elena please" shaking his head "I don't want to hear anymore...I can't."

"But you need to" she gently states. The pad of her thumb running over his knuckles.

Knowing that he can't fight her on this he gives a short nod of his head. Bracing himself for whatever he is about to hear.

"He saw a side of you that he hadn't seen in awhile, the older brother he looked up to, the son who enlisted in the civil war to please his father...the Damon he knew when he was a boy."

By now tears are starting to well in Damon's eyes and he curses this new fangled thing called being human because it's overwhelming. The masks he had been so used to wearing to conceal what he really feels, nowhere to be found.

"He wanted that Damon to live and he wanted me to have the opportunity to get to know him."

 _You should have met me back in 1864 you would have liked me_

"He said that you were the better man"

 _How_ he wants to scream. How is he the better man? Swallowing hard in hopes to swallow the sob that is threatening to escape him.

Elena's hand now resting on his cheek in hopes that the gesture is enough to draw him to look at her.

It is.

"The right man."

It's her touch and Stefan's words that are his tipping point. Tears now flowing freely down his cheek. "How" he brokenly mutters "how….how am I the better man, the right man I've done awful things. Horrible things." Shuddering when he realizes there's so much Elena still doesn't know "and once you hear them you'll see that Stefan made the wrong choice. Human or vampire at the end of the day I'm still the same. I'm a monster."

Feeling that he's said his peace he retreats from her grasp, slipping off the couch and once again moving to stand in front of the fireplace. His gaze lifting to the Salvatore family crest hanging above the fireplace. _Do you think there's a chance for us to find redemption_ their past conversation now playing in his head. _Absolutely_ he had been lying through his teeth just wanting to appease his brother. Now, now he found himself praying that it could be possible. That his little brother had found peace and was actually happy. That doom and gloom didn't exist for him. But the voice in his head convinced him otherwise, reminding him he was most likely suffering and Damon was the one to blame for it all. The 'S' in the crest barely visible and it takes him a moment to realize he's crying so much that it's blurring his vision

"Damon"

Feeling her try to reach out to him but he politely declines, turning from her.

"Hey"

He's weak, emotionally and physically because somehow Elena has managed to turn him to look at her. Hands cradling his face as his broken blues meet hers.

"Yes you've made the wrong choices, you've done bad things but I would never see you as a monster. You are not a monster. You're a good man and right now you're a man who is mourning over the loss of his brother."

It's like the floodgates have opened and he's powerless to stop it. Crying has never been his forte but now he can't stop. "People never referred to us as Damon and Stefan they called us the Salvatore Brothers...and now it's just one single Salvatore brother" a deep pang felt in his heart. "I'm not the Salvatore brother anymore, I'm just Damon.'

"My little brother is dead" saying it out he finds it's even worse because it's further him accepting that Stefan is gone. "I swore to deliver an eternity of misery to him…I wanted to destroy his happiness and yet somewhere along the way we became brothers again. We fought constantly. Hurt each other but in the end, in the end, we'd die for each other. ...h-he just beat me to it."

When her arms come to wrap around him he doesn't fight her on it but his arms do remain at his side. He stands there motionless, yet the tears continue to flow. "He's gone Elena" and he swears he caught _I know_ coming from her end but he's not sure. "He's not coming back. He's never going to walk through those doors…. I'm never going to have the chance to poke fun at his hair….to hear that lecturing tone he reserved for me." The things he had once found annoying he finds himself wishing to experience again. "He's never going to experience marital bliss with Caroline and all because he deemed me worthy of dying for."

"No" Elena's grip on him tightening as she clings onto him for dear life "he did it because of how much he loves you." She doesn't say 'loved' because she believes he's watching over them, watching over him and continuing to love his big brother.

"And I was doing it because of how much I love him" his voice cracking, his posture sagging as he buries his nose in the back of her neck.

"I know" Elena's hand reassuringly rubbing his back "there was never a contest on which brother loved each other more. You had different ways of showing it but the love was always there."

Inhaling, letting her scent surround him. Letting himself be comforted by it. Elena's words having their effect on him, hesitantly lifting his arms and wrapping them around her. There's an irony to all of this because having her in his arms feels like heaven but he knows the second he lets go he'll return back to hell.

"How am I going to survive this" he questions just above a whisper.

"It's not going to be easy. You'll play the what if game with yourself on repeat. The smallest of things might serve as a reminder of him or you'll suddenly recall a memory and it'll break you. It's going to be hard but you're going to make it through because you're not doing this alone." Pulling back so that she can look at him "I'll be here with you every step of the way."

The tears somewhat dying down, his vision returning as he meets her warm gaze.

"We'll survive this."

 _Humanity_

 _Guilt_

 _Loss_

Would he, though?

 **End Part One**


End file.
